Meet The New Evangelicals: Same as the Old Evangelical Leftists, Just More Zesty
Navigating the Bizarro World of the Christian Left, Pt. 4
Navigating the Bizarro World of the Christian Left
In Navigating the Bizarro World of the Christian Left, we’ve seen how the Christian left gets everything backwards. Like residents of the planet Htrae (Earth spelled backwards), the left lives by the Bizarro code: “Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness!”
“Clark has told me about Bizarro. How he speaks in opposites. Makes the Joker seem sane…” -Batman
Obsessed with Christian Nationalism
Bizarro World Christians are obsessed with Christian Nationalism, the phrase that launched a thousand scare pieces and no good definitions.
If you’re part of the Christian Left—or more specifically, if you’ve got “deconstructed” in your bio and a pronoun sandwich in your Bluesky handle—you already know who the real problem is: not sin, not Satan, not the decaying soul of a postmodern culture. Nope. It’s the Theobro on X who said he wants his kids to grow up in a country that fears God.
The New Evangelicals: A Deconstructionist Therapy Group
Cue The New Evangelicals—that half-podcast, half-deconstructionist therapy group for people whose biggest trauma was being asked to vote against dismembering babies in the womb.
These folks have made it their life’s work to peddle a brand of Christianity that’s allergic to Scripture and terrified of testosterone. And nothing scares them more than conservative Christians who aren’t afraid of being cancelled anymore. Especially if they have an American flag nearby. Palestinian flags are cool though.
Who Are The New Evangelicals?
Who are The New Evangelicals? Glad you asked. Imagine if Sojourners (without the political acumen), the Emergent Church (without the intellectual curiosity), Planned Parenthood (without the truth in advertising), and Antifa (without the hyper-masculinity) had a baby. But this one was allowed to safely survive the womb. It’s a Soy-faced exvangelical hangout where Christianity is reimagined as a love note to gays and communists with a little Jesusy rhetoric. And they sincerely believe they’re the “real” Christians.
They’ll tell you they’ve deconstructed from the bad ol’ evangelicalism of their youth and reconstructed into the truth. And the truth just so happens to look exactly like the trendy far left ideologies of the day with Christ’s name attached to it!
The Christian Nationalism Straw Man
Now let’s talk about this scary beast under the bed: Christian Nationalism.
According to The New Evangelicals, it’s basically any attempt to live like Jesus is Lord outside of Sunday morning. If you think unborn babies shouldn’t be murdered? You’re a theocrat. If you think drag shows aren’t great for kids? Fascist. If you voted Republican sometime in the last 20 years? Welcome to the new Inquisition, Torquemada.
Their version of Christian Nationalism is a straw man so flammable Greta Thunberg would picket it.
Here’s the trick: They use the term as a catch-all slur for any Christian who takes both the Bible and the ballot box seriously. It’s not about warning against real extremism—it’s about policing the Overton window of acceptable belief. And fundraising. Sweet, sweet fundraising.
Whose Morality Shapes the Nation?
Let’s get honest. Every nation is shaped by someone’s morality. The only question is: whose?
Laws don’t just appear out of thin air. They reflect a worldview. Abortion, marriage, education, justice—these aren’t neutral zones. If Jesus doesn’t speak to those, who does? Karl Marx? RuPaul? The HR department at Google?
What The New Evangelicals want is a naked public square. But in practice, all that means is their values get to dominate while yours are mocked as “dangerous.”
Sorry, not playing that game.
The Privilege Paradox
Anti-CN Christian lefties like to say they’re not arguing against Christians having influence in the political realm. No, they’re triggered by the idea that Christianity should have a place of privilege in America.
But their agenda privileges the gender mutilators against parents. They privilege the authoritarians who want to steal children from parents who “misgender” them.
When you remove Christianity from its place of privilege, you don’t get a naked public square. You have handed it over to Molech and Baal.
A History Lesson for the Left
A little history lesson for our friends on the Left: America wasn’t founded by drag queens and podcast deconstructionists. It was founded by flawed but faithful men who believed God was real, truth was objective, and liberty required virtue.
The abolition of slavery? Christian. The civil rights movement? Christian. Even your right to whiny podcasts about how mean the church was to your Enneagram number? Gifted to you by Christian political influence.
So spare me the angst about “Christian privilege.” You’re only here because of it.
Passing the Secular Vibe Check
Let’s also address the recurring fairytale: “You’re making Christianity look bad!”
To who? NPR interns? Your vaccine-injured pastrix?
The truth is, The New Evangelicals aren’t worried about faithfulness. They’re worried about approval. Their Christianity must always pass the vibe check of the secular elite. They literally think Tim Waltz is the poster boy of a “real Christian.” As Biden says: “Not a joke!”
Timmy’s Moral Gymnastics
Here’s a peak into the Christian morality of Timmy and The New Evangelicals:
“Look, if you’re a Christian, we don’t celebrate violence or death…period. Every human being, no matter their actions, bears the image of God and Jesus called us to love, not execute, our enemies. But, this same Jesus, also taught us to liberate the oppressed. And while I don’t celebrate the death of Brian Thompson, I certainly understand why many are. Our healthcare insurance system is built on greed!”
Wow, thanks, Tim! “Hey guys, I’m crushing on Mangione as much you are but we just can’t execute the capitalist pigs in the streets yet!” Maybe a little rage-driving now and then but certainly not executions. Good to know.
A Jesus Who Reigns
If standing for truth makes us Christian Nationalists (and whatever the next scare word that’s invented), so be it. We’re not trying to win the God-hating culture’s approval—we’re trying to obey a King. Especially when the culture has a love affair with Gay Race Communism.
What The New Evangelicals ultimately want is a Jesus who doesn’t reign—He just listens. He affirms, he validates, he definitely doesn’t shame your truth.
But Jesus isn’t your Tik Tok influencer. He’s Lord of Heaven and Earth. That means He speaks into laws, families, culture, nations. Not with tyranny, but with truth. And not through silence, but through saints with spines.
No Apologies for the Crown
We don’t need a church that apologizes for the crown. We need one that’s not ashamed of the cross—or the cultural consequences that come with bearing it.
Don’t let the Bizarro World of the Christian Left gaslight you into thinking silence is righteousness. Speak. Vote. Build. Raise your kids with conviction. Start businesses with purpose. Run for office. Preach truth. Plant churches.
And when The New Evangelicals throw their usual whining tantrum? Smile. Shake the dust. And keep walking.
In a world gone mad, the cross still stands—unapologetic, unbending, and undefeated.
